The Soundtrack of my Life

When they make the movie of my life, every one of my love interests will be played by the same young Lesley Lawson look alike and every time I meet her the same Decemberist song will play. And each time she leaves me, I will be broken in new and unimaginable ways. And the cracks in my bones will fill with marrow and will be grow stronger and I will think "I will be ready next time". And she will come and I will love her in some new way, finding reason I had somehow overlooked before. Because my bones are stronger, and I love with my bones. I feel it in my joints and rib cage and shoulder blades. And she will leave, and break me worse then I knew was possible.

I would tell you that she come back for good, but this is the story of my life, and right now the cracks in my bones are filling with marrow and I will be ready when she comes again.


I'm not sure yet how to make it clear to the audience that its not really the same person... I'm sure we'll get it in editing.

But the soundtrack will be amazing.

I listen to a few bands that no one I know listens to. I've shared a few songs here and there, but no one has really caught the magic.The Decemberists, obviously, is not one. (Who doesn't love the Decemberists?)  But the Helio Sequence is. Do you listen to them? You should. Or not. I'll just keep them to myself.

But this song. This song.

Shake the Dust

Today I attended an event in which the speaker was a 9/11 survivor. She was thirty minutes late to work that day. She was standing in the lobby of the north tower waiting for the elevator when the plane hit. She felt the shaking, and she heard a high pitched whistle just before the entire lobby was engulfed in flames. The pressurized jet fuel in the plane exploded and sent a wake of fire down the elevator shafts. Over 80% of her body was burned.

They made their way out of the building and onto a little patch of grass across the street and started to roll and put out the flames. She said she saw many people around her stop moving. Just dying a few feet from her, and the only reason she didn't do the same was because she chose not to.

In the moment that she was nearest to death, when she felt every inch of pain so distinctly, when she was so close to the other side that she could reach out and touch it, she was given a choice. Dive into the relief and let it take her, or to stay here. To live. The impression I got was that it was as clear a choice as "chicken or beef". As if someone stood before her and asked a question. Live or Die?

And she chose to live.

Others didn't get that choice. But you get that choice.

I watched a documentary about this photograph today. The Falling Man. It was both terrible and beautiful and I loved it.

I'm living.

Today was my first day serving tables on my own. Some great friends and family stopped by to wish me luck and tip me well. I loved it even more than I knew I would. It was somber day for more reasons than you know, and even so, I felt a strong spirit that everything was OK in the world. Or at least that it would be. And sitting in the mingled silence of the train on the way home with a handful of strangers whose lives are full of problems and hopes of their own, sharing short smiling glances, I felt a little remnant of that togetherness that kept the world from falling apart twelve years ago. It was a beautiful kind of peace.

I have a new life since my last post. In my new life I don't blog much, but I sometimes have a pony tail and write poetry, and that's just as good. In my new life I serve tables in a Mexican restaurant and take the train to school. I like my new life a lot. So if I don't tell you often, I'll tell you clearly. Life is good.

Riding the night train home after work. The very definition of "serene"

Music You Can See

Pop culture is not my thing. Growing up I didn't watch movies and I didn't listen the music on the radio. I never understood (and still don't) the celebrity jokes on Conan. It was a real problem. Remember the 90's when everyone was obsessed with Tom Cruise? Well I'm just getting there guys!

So it shouldn't be a surprise, but will probably disgust you, that I never liked Justin Timberlake. Even hated him at times. Though there was a brief moment I liked "Love Stoned". 

But Justin is back making music after 7 years of hiatus working on his "acting" career. And I think I'm ready this time. 

I have listened to about 4 songs from his new album The 20/20 Experience and I already love it. Did you know all the songs are 5-8 minutes long? He was quoted to have said "If Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin can do 10-minute songs and Queen can do 10-minute songs then why can't we?" 

This live performance is just great.

Soul, Pop, Big band. It is the strangest combination and somehow it works so so well. So there you have it. I'm a JT fan. But we will see if it lasts. It has only been 10 hours since I made the decision. But the future looks bright. 

Listen to this.

"Do you question my powers of creating milk!?"

Two weeks ago me, my parents, my brother Taylor, his girlfriend, and my sister Aubri boarded a cheap, rickety plane Hawaii bound. My bargain hunting mother had found the sketchiest airline possible. I'm sure it was barley legal. But affordable!

Landing in Hawaii was amazing. Half of the Honolulu airport is outdoors, and when you step out into open air for the first time, its quite indescribably. Maybe I was feeling something more from having survived the flight without anyone getting shanked or the plane running out of fuel. I was 50% sure we would just drop out of the sky.

We stayed with my mothers friend who lives on Oahu. There were ants everywhere and her back yard had the most beautiful trees that bloom the sweetest smelling flowers year round. The flowers also had ants on them.

Highlights? The food! Seeing a whale right off the side of our little sailboat. Mom peeing her pants after meeting her favorite Samoan. The cute Tahitian girl at the PCC. 

The pits? On my third day out I got hives. This is the second time. Same time of year. The doctor said I'm either allergic to sunscreen or to the sun. Who's heard of such a thing!?

And now for your viewing pleasure.

 Please do not ride the turtles.
 Sunset Beach
 I was the only one with any desire to try the fresh fruit! This Mango was not ripe, and it was still the most delicious mango I have ever had.
 The saltwater does great things to curly hair. Me and Aubri were soaking it up.
We went to New Hope church on Sunday. They had an anatomy lesson and people dancing in straitjackets 

So there you have it. The most touristy thing I have ever done. I sat on the same beach that Jack sat on after Oceanic flight 815 went down on Lost. I swam in the same pond that Jenifer Lawrence swam in for the upcoming Catching Fire movie. She probably peed in there. I probably still have traces of celebrity pee on me. Such a  magical thought.

For a tropical paradise, this was the least relaxing vacation I have ever been on. There was just so much to see and do.  We were always on the move. Just a tip. Never go to china town.. terrifying.

Great trip though.

Hello There

Its 2:30 in the morning. I am sitting in the living room of my very cool but very lonely new apartment. It has been a year since I have blogged last. A whole year! Kids 4 years younger than me can buy cigarettes! And 2012 was awesome. It was the year I moved out. The year I visited my mission. The year I bought my first car. The year I started rock climbing. The year I learned to play guitar. The year I joined a gym. The year I quite the gym.

I did a lot, and I did it on my own. I'm sorry I didn't keep you involved. Whoever you are.

But there is still hope for 2013. It's already been eventful. I started school (and I question that decision every day). I moved to a nice house with a few friends but much to far from my other friends. I bought a dog. His name is Abe. He likes cheese and warm laundry.

So I'm not promising that I will be updating all the time... 

I have no way of ending that sentence. Or this post.


"Let's turn out all of the lights and tell ghost stories."

Its 9:00 at night. I am at the Gas-N-Go. It is slower than I have ever seen it, my co-workers have all left me, and I am blogging from my phone. My phone! How crazy is that? 2012 man... 2012. Kids 3 years younger than me can buy cigarettes now.
Last night I had a dream that I threw all of my belongings into a fire. While I watched them burn I realized there were things in the fire that I still wanted, so I frantically tried to rescue them. It was a real revelation. I have no clue what it means, but it really moved me.
This is gonna be my year. Things are gonna get a lot more exiting around here. Happy twenty-twelve everyone.

A Stone

I'm restarting. I am going to build up my music library from the ground up. Its my New Years resolution I guess. But I started today. I am tech-savvy now that Christmas has come, and armed with my new 4G phone and a Kindle Fire, I am going to Amazon-Cloud the hell out of 2012!

I wanna try to get a new album a day for a while, until I have a good base, then I will slow down.

First new album, the 2005 Black Sheep Boy by Okkervil River. I have liked a few songs from them before, but haven't checked them out like I should. And here is a gem I found.

A Stone

I Got Around To It

So for the past two weddings I have been to I have been the Maid of honor and the Best man. Among the many MANY important duties I had was the throw the bachelor parties.

Kimmie has been my best friend since we were just little kids. And I was honored when she asked me to be her Maid of honor, or rather, when she told me she wasn't having one and so I asked her if I could be it and she said yes. (I got the idea from a Patrick Dempsey movie)

But her bachelor party was awesome.

It started with a kidnapping, went to shotgun shooting, back home for a dinner of Stake and potatoes and ended with a manly movie, Clash of the Titans. And she loved the tool box we got her.

I should note that the wedding, and the drive down, the next week was awesome. Micheal honked at a cop as we went speeding past, and Sam taught Michael what life with a smart phone should be like.

We had Michael's bachelor party last month.

James Bond dance party, IHOP, and Dimond Fork hot pots on an empty tank of gas. It was an awesome night. we hiked up the pots with our swimsuits on, and I was wearing flip flops. I stubbed my toe 8 times. As we were leaving the hot pots it started to snow that kind of thick, slow snow that makes the world seem real quiet and not so big. So we wrapped our towels around us tight and reminisced all the way back to the car. It was an awesome end to the night. We didn't get home till 6am. Now THATS a bachelor party.

I think I'm getting real good at throwing them. I bet all my friends will choose me as their Best men. Heck, I'm gonna choose myself!


I just got off work at me new job. My new job at the Gas-and-Go. The same Gas-and-Go my brother works at. It was the 6-12 shift. The same 6-12 shift that my brother worked today. It was awesome!

Just me and him (basically) for 6 hours. 6 hours of playing "boy or girl?" in the BUSTED magazine, hoping we would see someone we knew. 6 hours of jamming out to Tegan and Sara and The Devil Whale. 6 hours of quoting 30 Rock and making fun of Asians. And work too.. we did that too.

His almost Fiance Cali came in and brought us (him) some pizza. That's when I decided I really need a girlfriend. Someone who would want to come visit me on late night shifts, and I could do the same. Someone who will make fun of Adam like Cali makes fun of me.

At the end of the night, we walked out into the parking lot after locking up, Adam yelled "See you at home roomie!" and we raced back to highland, back to the bedroom that we share. Back to our bunk beds (I've got top bunk) to end the night by watching a few episodes Arrested Development, where I sit right now typing this on his laptop. We just do everything together now. It's hard to think that 5 years ago we couldn't stand each other.

But soon he will start work at his new fancy DHI job. Soon he will get married and move out and I will be stuck at Gas-and-Go with the trailer park people trying to use their food stamps to buy cigarettes and booze. Alone. No one to discuss Ben Kweller with. No one to help me find celebrity look alikes in the mug shot magazine and almost pee themselves when the ugliest guy on the page has the same name as me. (It was the first guy I've ever seen that spells it the same as me too)

I have this fantasy that me and him never get married just stay in this house long enough to either kick mom and dad out, or just outlive them. The thing is, mom will live til shes 112 and I know that Adam would walk around naked. But still, it would be pretty dang fun.

So, life's gonna move on. And that's ok. Cali is a pretty cool addition to the family and I haven't had my own room in 2 1/2 years. Things will work out alright

Tonight was pretty great though.

(Pretty sure that's Adam and Taylor.. but it fits our relationship better)


So my computer wont recognize anything plugged into the SD slot or the USB, so I cant upload pictures. Every time I get on here to make a post, I remember that and just give up.. Its been a real problem. I have really been slacking off lately. I will get that looked at and add picture later.

Saturday night (was a disaster) I got a call from my amazing friend Stacy and she told me she had a extra ticket for conference the next morning. I had never been before, so of course I said yes. And then next day Stacy, Sam and I were on our way to Salt Lake.

I loved walking through the City on a Sunday morning. Trying to beat the crowd of well dressed people who were all heading for the same building. I expected to see a lot of protesters, something I was actually excited about. But besides the under-dressed preacher telling me I didn't need a Prophet, I saw more signs saying "Need Conference Tickets" than "We already have a Bible". I realize these guys really wanna go to conference.. But too little to late? If you wanna go that badly talk to your stake president about it and go in 6 months. I just seemed really pathetic. I am happy watching conference from my home... but that was before I walked into the conference center..

We didn't bother walking through Temple square, where all the protester are. We headed straight for the Conference building. It was awesome. So many people lined up, smiling pretty, taking pictures. There was just a buzz of excitement in the air! I wanted so bad to get the ensign photographers attention. It was secretly my goal from the moment I said I would come. So as we waited in line, taking pictures of ourselves, I tried to look as photogenic as possible.


When we got inside everything looked so amazing in person! The organ and Mo-Tab, the pulpit, the GA seating, the crowd! Being inside the building I had been watching on TV for years was a strange experience. I was loving it.

Before it started Sam leaned over to me and said "I'm gonna need your suit coat." He wanted to give them to the cute girl next to him and her friend, who looked very cold. They loved it, and him, and they exchanged conversation a few times throughout the session. He got her Facebook. Like a boss.

After my nap during 'Music and the Spoken word', it got even better. The talks were awesome. And when the prophet finally spoke, I kept looking from the big TV screen to him to the screen to him and I couldn't stop smiling.

I now realize why those guys wanted to come so bad. And if I cant get tickets again, maybe I'll join em next year. But probably not. I still think its kinda lame.

As we left, there were lots of people with new signs asking for money and stuff. Maybe the reason they don't have jobs and the reason they couldn't wake up on time to catch me on my way in are the same..

That whole day I couldn't shake the excitement, and later that night I got to see all my old mission friends at the CWM Reunion. I felt great, made some funny jokes and everyone remembered I was even cooler than they remembered. Such an awesome day. I wish I could go to conference every day.

I love Conference
I love the Prophet
I love being a Latter-Day Saint