The Madness Ends Now

I have been hired as my mothers maid. For 2 hours a day and 3 days a week, I clean the house and keep it spotless, and my mom pays me. It's the most degrading job... and I'm just desperate enough to take it! But today is my first day (and I really should be cleaning now instead of blogging in my underwear) and I am finding that most of the messes in the house are caused by dogs...

I have 4 dogs living in my house. 4 dogs! Not by choice, but by circumstance. And those dogs are taking control and need to be stopped!

Don't get me wrong. My family loves dogs. But we love one dog at a time... With 4 dogs we are turning into THAT kind of family. The dogs run the world. They do want they want, and we clean up the mess. Dirty floors, knocked over garbage cans, little "presents" on the rug. And there is dog hair everywhere! On every fabric surface! And it sickens me.

This has never been a problem before. We let our dogs on the couch with us and it didn't matter because our dog, the Australian Shepherd, and the 2 past dogs we have had like her, do not shed. But that's not the case with some of the dogs we have now... Well, I actually think its just Vincent, the welsh corgi, but I'm not gonna discriminate.

I don't want us to be the family that has to apologize for the dog fur after you sit on their couch and keep a lint roller handy. We are not that family.

So it ends here.

I'm taking back our couches. No dogs allowed on the couches. And that means war...

The Enemy:

 #1.   Name: Autumn (bottom) (F)   Age: 1   Height: 2'3"   Weight: 50lbs   Breed: Australian Shepherd   Bio: Leader, owns the house, has lived here longest.

 #2.   Name: Vincent (Vinny) (M)  Age: 2 1/2   Height: 1'0"   Weight: 10lbs   Breed: Welsh Corgi   Bio: Sneakier than his farts and twice as cute.

 #3.   Name: Jack (Jack-o; Sir Stinky-cheeks) (?)  Age: 4   Height: 0'5"   Weight: 6lbs   Breed: Mutt   Bio: definition of "small-dog-syndrome"

 #4.   Name: Rue (F)  Age: 1   Height: 4'6"   Weight: 360lbs   Breed: Great Dane   Bio: Skittish, dumb as they come. Cannot be photographed in one shot.

I will keep a documentation of all the goings-on of the 'War on Dog-fur' here on this post and on my twitter account which can be found on the sidebar. Check back each day to hear how things are going and to show your support. They must be stopped!

Day 1: Needed to catch a dog in the act so that I could make an example of them. Gathered all the dogs together, which is hard because Jack and Vincent don't like to be in the same room together. They were all in the living room, but none were on the couch. I decided to lure Autumn, their leader, on the couch. When she got up, I promptly knocked her back down and made a big scene about it. All dogs were silent... I think they got the message.

Day 2: Retaliation started with Jack pooping on the carpet. As punishment I locked him in a room with Vincent for an hour. Continued to show dominance by stomping in front of them when they least expect and spasmodically waving my hands in their face; Striking them with both fear and confusion.

Day 5: The dogs cower and jump off every time I catch them on the couch, but they still get back up when I am gone. I am enlisting the help of every family member living at home. I cant do this alone. Side note: I cant have the dogs hating me. I am making a dangerous enemies... It might be time to rethink my tactics.

Day 8: Those who fear you will obey you, but those who love you will seek to please you... I'm gonna need a BIG-A** bag of dog treats!

Day 21: Stuck a bag of cereal on Vincents head today so he could eat the leftovers. He couldn't get it off and kept falling over. I couldn't stop laughing. When I finally took it off, he wouldn't stop following me around. I was his hero. I've got him eating right out of my bag.

Day 37: Mom bought new couches and the dogs don't like them as much....