I meet a lot of interesting people every day. So I have had a lot of interesting experiences. Some are crazy, others are scary, and some are just funny. The other day we contacted this old man on the street. He either called us "Bible bumpers" or "Bible humpers". Both of which indicate that he is not interested. So we start to ask him if he know anyone in the area that could use any help or service. He goes on to tell us about one of his friends who is too indipendent to accept help. As he does so, he starts to fart every step he takes.. Two things factor in: He is old and can't hear, so he probably thinks they are silent. And, he is old and can't control his bowels. But he just continues to talk like nothing is happening, and I am trying SO hard not to bust up laughing. Elder Tieken turns to me and starts to smile and I have to turn around at this point because I cant hide it anymore and tears are coming to my eyes. When he finally leaves, we both took a moment to relieve our laughter, and get back to contacting. All in a days work as a Missionary in the Canada Winipeg mission.
Old Fart
Watch This Guy!
I hate driving in Canada! All these Canadians are too 'brave'! The pedestrans dont follow the same rule we do in America, where, if something is Bigger, Stronger, and Faster than you, you GET OUT THE WAY STUPID! I guess they've never heard that one.
It doesnt help that Elder Tieken uses vague, unidentifiable phrases like, "Watch this guy."
I was driving down the road about 60ks an hour, and it was pitch black and all I could see were the bright headlights of the cars going the opposit way. Then all of the sudden, Elder Tieken sits up straight in his seat and says "Watch this guy". The way he said it, I thought he meant that the car in front of us was about to do something interesting.. So I watched.
Then he said it louder "Watch this guy!" But I WAS watching, and nothing was happening.
"Watch him, watch him!"
"What!?" I finally yell. He wasnt doing anything!
"STOP!"
That one I understood. I slammed on the breaks a stopped right as this fat Canadian walked in front of my car, not even flinching or missing a step. I almost killed him! All because Elder Tieken told me to "Watch this guy"...
Turns out they always walk in front of cars... They just assume the driver will stop...
Idiots.
It doesnt help that Elder Tieken uses vague, unidentifiable phrases like, "Watch this guy."
I was driving down the road about 60ks an hour, and it was pitch black and all I could see were the bright headlights of the cars going the opposit way. Then all of the sudden, Elder Tieken sits up straight in his seat and says "Watch this guy". The way he said it, I thought he meant that the car in front of us was about to do something interesting.. So I watched.
Then he said it louder "Watch this guy!" But I WAS watching, and nothing was happening.
"Watch him, watch him!"
"What!?" I finally yell. He wasnt doing anything!
"STOP!"
That one I understood. I slammed on the breaks a stopped right as this fat Canadian walked in front of my car, not even flinching or missing a step. I almost killed him! All because Elder Tieken told me to "Watch this guy"...
Turns out they always walk in front of cars... They just assume the driver will stop...
Idiots.
Canadian 101
Although it is wildly thought that "Canadian" and "English" are the same language, there are some differences in the most basic forms of communication. Here is a guide that will help you understand any foreigners you may come across.
~Words and Definitions~
Supper - NOUN: A meal that is eaten at the end of the day. takes place after dinner.
Dinner - NOUN: The meal between breakfast and supper.
Lunch - ...?
Washroom - NOUN: A place to relieve one's waist, similar to the American "Bathroom".
Phone - VERB: The act of communicating with someone on a telephonic device. "I'll phone you later." Tenses; Phone, Phoning, Phoned.
Call - VERB: The act of visiting or re-visiting someones home. "You can call back next week." Tenses; Call, Calling, Called.
Yous - PRONOUN: The plural form of the word 'You'. "Where are yous headed this evening?"
Eh? - ???: A meaningless statement added to the end of a sentence to either indicate that you are asking a question or that you are waiting for input. A slang form of the word, "Hey?", is comonly used with the younger generation to show their defiance and deviance from their parents. Unfortunately the difference in pronunciation is negligable.
~Grammer~
Vowels are: A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes G, Like in Flag, Bag, Tag, and Rag. The G will make the normaly, soft 'a' a hard 'A'.
Foreign words (especially Spanish) are ALWAYS pronounce phonetically. Exp. 'Jealopeno' = 'Ja-la-pen-no', 'Pasta' = 'P-Ah-sta'
As a rule of thumb, the letter 'O' is always pronounce different than the american 'O' in a fetal attempt to further distance themselves from their (American) culture.
Follow this guide, and the next time you meet a Canadian, you should be able to communicate well enough to send them back to Canada.
I Swallowed a Fly
There once was a missionary who swallowed a fly.
I don't know why he swallowed a fly... I guess he'll die.
MTC Banana
When Sister Horning found out you could take fruit out of the MTC cafeteria... she went insane. There was always a banana hidden around the class room. On the chalk board, in the drinking fountain, in my bag... She even put a stamp on one and tried to mail it to me.
And she even tried to bring one to Canada.
He traveled with us from Provo, to Salt Lake, to Minneapolis. But the poor little guy didn't make it through customs.
But when I got to Canada, guess what I found in the back of the car I was assigned? I don't know how he did it, but MTC Banana made it to Canada. Good for him. He finally made it to the field. And he is one of the best missionaries I know.
And she even tried to bring one to Canada.
He traveled with us from Provo, to Salt Lake, to Minneapolis. But the poor little guy didn't make it through customs.
But when I got to Canada, guess what I found in the back of the car I was assigned? I don't know how he did it, but MTC Banana made it to Canada. Good for him. He finally made it to the field. And he is one of the best missionaries I know.
The Rock Pit
We went out to Souris this P-day. They told us we were going to the rock pit! Apparently it is this amazing place where there are all these rare rocks that you get to find and take home! Not to mention, that because of the rain, there were tons of pits of quicksand out there. They told us we would try to find some. I was so excited. And then we got there... and the place fit the name... It was a pit... with rocks in it. It really was a junk yard. There were broken down cars littering one half of it, and giant piles of rocks filled the other... For about an hour we dug through piles of rocks. What am I even going to do with the rocks I found? keep them my whole mission? They aren't even rare! We were told we could keep 25 pounds of rocks. Who would keep that much junk! Canada is so lame. They dig in the dirt for fun. What a great P-Day. The rock pit...
Imigrant
We saw a Hispanic man walking on the other side of the street and Elder Tieken said we should talk to him. So we walk over there with our ties and name tags, and when he sees us he ducks his head and starts walking fast... Then Elder Tieken calls out "Excuse me" or something like that... and the guy bolts. He runs down the street to the nearest door, jumps inside, and slams it shut... At first we were really confused... then we figure it out. He thought we were from Immigration.
Now Thats More Like It
6:00 on Saturdays we play volley ball with the investigators. But we could only stay for a bit because we had an appointment at 7:30.
7:00 rolls around... and 6 Chinese people come up to us and ask if they can join... and one of them speaks fluent English and Chinese...
You need to understand the value of that Chinese young man. We have 3 Chinese investigators right now, all of which are showing potential... none of which speak very good English. We can only communicate on a basic level.
If we got that young man to investigate the Church... it could lead to big things.
I looked to Elder Tieken. We still had to change and go pick up the member that was going to join us.
"...5 more minutes"
5 minutes pass... and we really have to go. We leave it up to the other Elders to handle.. and run for the car.
We were sprinting and jumping over fences and driving like mad! When we got into the apartment, we still had muddy sand on our feet. we jumped in the tub and took turns washing our feet and got dressed in 2 min. flat.
I was so tired when we finally got ready and jumped back into the car... but the whole time I had a smile on my face.
This is how I had imagined missionary work.
Now I'm a Missionary.
7:00 rolls around... and 6 Chinese people come up to us and ask if they can join... and one of them speaks fluent English and Chinese...
You need to understand the value of that Chinese young man. We have 3 Chinese investigators right now, all of which are showing potential... none of which speak very good English. We can only communicate on a basic level.
If we got that young man to investigate the Church... it could lead to big things.
I looked to Elder Tieken. We still had to change and go pick up the member that was going to join us.
"...5 more minutes"
5 minutes pass... and we really have to go. We leave it up to the other Elders to handle.. and run for the car.
We were sprinting and jumping over fences and driving like mad! When we got into the apartment, we still had muddy sand on our feet. we jumped in the tub and took turns washing our feet and got dressed in 2 min. flat.
I was so tired when we finally got ready and jumped back into the car... but the whole time I had a smile on my face.
This is how I had imagined missionary work.
Now I'm a Missionary.
The Soup Kitchen
Every week we go and volunteer at a soup kitchen for service. Most of the people that work there look like they should be eating there... and a lot of the people that eat there look like they shouldn't... but whatever. It's not my place to judge.
We get there early so we can eat before we work. The food is usually pretty bad. I have to portion it out so I don't eat all the bearable stuff and get left with a pile of uneatable stuff...
Afterwards we help clean up. I cleaned my station and then went to go and put some left over lettuce in the freezer. When i walked in, the door closed behind me... and I couldn't open it again.
I was trapped!
I started thinking about all the stories I had heard of people dieing in locked freezers, and started to panic. I tried pulling the knob and pushing the knob and kicking the knob.. but nothing was working.
I saw there was a panic button so I started to push it.. and waited. and waited... but no one was coming!
This was the end. I knew I wouldn't last much longer. So I decided to try the nob one more time...
Turns out it twists the other way...
No worries... it's all good.
We get there early so we can eat before we work. The food is usually pretty bad. I have to portion it out so I don't eat all the bearable stuff and get left with a pile of uneatable stuff...
Afterwards we help clean up. I cleaned my station and then went to go and put some left over lettuce in the freezer. When i walked in, the door closed behind me... and I couldn't open it again.
I was trapped!
I started thinking about all the stories I had heard of people dieing in locked freezers, and started to panic. I tried pulling the knob and pushing the knob and kicking the knob.. but nothing was working.
I saw there was a panic button so I started to push it.. and waited. and waited... but no one was coming!
This was the end. I knew I wouldn't last much longer. So I decided to try the nob one more time...
Turns out it twists the other way...
No worries... it's all good.
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